The people you surround yourself with regularly can profoundly impact and influence your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Who do you talk to most often, and what is the default tone of those conversations? This can shape your perspective and impact your ability to stay focused on your goals.
As a spiritually-minded person, it is important to understand the role that external connections play in shaping our lives. Three of them are Social, Family and Colleagues. These are the layers of influence that can immediately and most profoundly impact our productivity, mindfulness, and values. Understanding these influences can help us make choices that align with our goals and values. All while avoiding distractions that pull us away from what is truly important.
Social Influence
As we get older, our social circles can change. There are different approaches to socialization, especially as adulting gets real. Some folks like to stick with the ones they’ve known the longest. While others are very open and actively looking for new connections.
Regardless of how you find your social connections, these connections have an impact, mainly when we’re in our relaxed state. We tend to open up more with our social connections. We believe they understand us best at that moment in our growth. Also, we tend to collaborate more with our social connections. And ultimately, we want to be accepted by our social group, so we are more open to collaborating on ideas and activities.
Also, our social connections might make it harder to say “no” precisely because we want to be accepted. What may start out as awkward moments can be taken for granted and actually become a pattern later on. Once a pattern begins, you might find it’s even harder to bring up distaste for certain behavior.
But know that you are never powerless. For instance, if you constantly feel negative vibes after conversations, it may be time to seek out new social connections. Seeking out more positive social interactions with people who inspire can profoundly impact your life.
Social Influence – Storytime
When I was in college, I used to hang out with a group of students. What started out as a joke of me putting on a sombrero became a pattern of racist views. This is a pretty extreme example, but it was difficult to distance myself even in this situation. I was still very much a people pleaser, and as ridiculous as it sounds, I didn’t want to upset them. Of course, I would later do a lot of unpacking and realize that I was actually afraid of retaliation.
Eventually, though, I was able to distance myself respectfully. As we get older, this doesn’t really change. We’ll still find ourselves navigating around people with different vibes than us. Regardless of the spectrum of differences, gracefully choosing ourselves will always be important to be mindful of.
Family Influence
Family is a major source of support, but it can also be a source of stress and conflict. If you have a good relationship with your family, it is important to leverage that relationship and keep in touch. If you don’t have a good relationship with them, it’s important to practice healthy boundaries. Limiting their negative impact on your life.
I’m a firm believer that family is the greatest curse and, because of that, also the greatest blessing. We come into this lifetime destined to be in some form of conflict with people in our family. In one of my favorite books, “Getting The Love You Want”, the authors talk about how we are “insatiable beings”. As soon as we’re born, we’re insatiable; gassy, hungry, tired, too hot, too cold, pee, poo, the list goes on. Take that combined with being in the care of imperfect people. People who went through the same cycle, and with that, you have yourself the magical formula for the human experience.
The Golden Opportunity
We are destined to experience some form of trauma and, arguably, C-PTSD. Purely my opinion, but the reality is there. We’re insatiable beings raised by insatiable beings. How could we not have multiple layers of experiences to heal from? Carl Jung said that the people who annoy us are the gateway to better understanding ourselves. If that’s the case then family is our greatest opportunity to know ourselves truly.
So regardless of your relationship with your family, it is important to cultivate healthy boundaries that work for you. That help you maintain your focus and stay on track with your goals. This may mean spending less time with family members who are not supportive or making more time for those who are.
A Thought On Moving Out
During my 20s, I was obsessed with my independence. When I got older, though, I realized there were a lot of people that supported me. Unfortunately, I had lost touch with them. Yes, I was focusing on providing for my kid and growing in my career but relationships need to be maintained. It’s not about one conversation but the culmination of time invested. It’s why I believe reaching out to siblings or parents is important to keep in mind when you’re moving out. Even if it’s monthly, believe me – it goes a long way.
Colleague Influence
Your colleagues can also have a significant impact on your life. Are there people in your circle who are in your discipline or industry? Are there many people who are more knowledgeable than you, or many who are less knowledgeable? These factors can influence your perspective and impact your ability to succeed in your career.
If you’re surrounded by people who are more knowledgeable, it can be helpful to seek out opportunities for self-development. This may mean taking courses, committing more time to research, or seeking mentorship. Also, if you are surrounded by less knowledgeable people, seek out new connections that can help challenge you. As the saying goes, “If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room.”
My Experience
For most of my career as a producer and project manager, I had to get comfortable asking “dumb” questions. Making peace with the fact that I sometimes came off as less than knowledgeable. But it was important to ask questions that someone less confident may not have the courage to ask. Transitioning into a coaching career, I realized I had a lot to offer by mentoring people early in their careers.
At a certain point, though, I realized that I was neglecting my own needs even in my own social circles. It took over a year, but after lots of intention setting, I found a wonderful mentor in Dr. Tomas Pinkson. I look forward to our talks because they make me feel like I’m making time for myself and my growth. It still feels strange sometimes, but I’m embracing the reminder that I don’t always have to put everyone else’s needs and growth before my own.
In Conclusion
Understanding the three layers of external influence in your life is critical to your success. By being mindful of the connections that shape your life, you can make choices that align with your goals and values. While avoiding distractions that pull you away from what is truly important. Whether it’s seeking out positive social connections, maintaining healthy relationships with family, or seeking professional growth opportunities, there are many opportunities to create an environment that supports your productivity, mindfulness, and values.