[Please note some descriptions of certain events and experiences may be triggering.]
So before I get into my hierarchy of needs, I want to make it very clear that I haven’t been clinically diagnosed with depression. But the National Institute of Health has found that 60.6% of people living with depression go undiagnosed. I want to make this clear because it adds to the reality that a lot of people harbor the fear that they are simply being weak and not worthy of putting that much attention into themselves for simply “feeling bad” or “unmotivated.” If this resonates even lightly, then I’m especially talking to you. Ignoring your lows when they’re “done,” is like painting over a moldy wall. You still have a water problem, and eventually, it starts affecting your health… badly. If you’re curious about symptoms and need help with more information, check out this page here. And don’t be shy with the research.
Okay, so now that that is out of the way (just a gentle hint hint nudge nudge – no pressure ;). I am a big fan of the self-discovery process. It can be tedious, but it’s important to find what resonates with you. This is why it eventually dawned on me that my swings were happening in near-predictable cycles. In fact, when the last one happened a couple weekends ago, my husband, while holding my hand, said, “If you think about it, the last time this happened was about 2-3 months ago”. We looked at each other, laughed weakly, and in almost unison, “That makes sense.”
A Brief Love Letter To My Husband
I’m the first to admit that I always feel a responsibility to take care of myself and just figure things out. This ensures I’m not a burden to anyone. For that reason, one of my greatest saving graces has been my husband. My husband is my sounding board, the Windex for my clarity, and my rock. He knows the things about me that I find most shameful and difficult to accept about myself and still has an unwavering unmoved love for me. It’s through him I’ve been able to make it through some of the more difficult times in my life.
Some of Those More Difficult Times
When I was a single mom for 10 years, my depressive episodes were covered up with alcohol and non-stop work. Contemplations of ending my life would start on the freeway to work after dropping off my son. I would be so deep in thought sometimes I didn’t remember parts of the ride. Then I would arrive at work to be met with an inundation of fires to put out. Blessed distractions for sure, but also, I would come to the conclusion that upending my son’s life was too much. We had already moved so much. And he was at an age where the memory would be vivid. I couldn’t imagine him growing up in a world feeling alone and abandoned by his only parent. That was always just sobering enough to keep a needle-thin line on me.
Even before all that, though, when I was a preteen, I would test my pain limits with sharp objects. In elementary school, to avoid the kids at recess, I would volunteer to clean the cafeteria tables. That’s when I would experiment with putting bleach in my little carton of milk.
A few years after having my son, though, I started to dabble gradually in self-development. I was tired of the quiet pain, anxiety, and piss-poor decisions. I threw away meaningful relationships. The drinking also had me sporadically reckless, endangering others. As time passed, I was incredibly satisfied with my progress in self-knowing and self-love. It also helped affirm my love for my career as a producer and project manager. Especially the part that entailed bringing clarity to others about themselves, and whatever it is they were working through.
Why The Work Is Worth It
While there are good days/weeks/months/years, there is also the opposite. Over time I’ve been able to accumulate a data map of my triggers, feelings, coping mechanisms, and reactions, amongst other things. It’s been a painstaking process with wonderful, mind-opening, and mind-breaking breakthroughs. Recently it’s also allowed me to place those data points on something of a pre-existing model to further my journey of self-awareness (the learning seriously never stops).
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is something I was introduced to in college when I took a sociology and child psychology class. It was put back on my radar when an acquaintance referred to it. She used it to explain how, as a first-time mother, she and her husband were on different opposite ends.
The diagram indicates that there are different tiers of human needs that depend on the more basic level being fulfilled first in order to move up. So at its base level, a human’s first most basic needs are “Physiological,” like food, clothing, and shelter. Once those needs are met, you can move up to the next tier to pursue “Safety” like job security, financial stability, and proper health and wellness. Then so on and so forth.
In my friend’s example, the needs she needed to be met were most basic; going to the bathroom, eating, taking a shower, etc. While her husband was on “the other end,” as she said, at the top with “Self-Actualization”. Some examples are “realizing your dreams, being true to yourself, and achieving inner peace”. In his case, the clearest examples were maintaining a regular schedule at the gym, and excelling as prestigious talent in a highly respected career. A wonderful thing, no doubt, but a reality for many parents, especially first-timers.
My Hierarchy of (Super Basic) Needs
In my case, I started to realize this was a viable way to explain where I was at in my own cycles with depression. Especially because I knew what recommendations bothered me; “seize the day”, “take a shower”, “go for a walk”, “approach the day with a good attitude”. The reality was that these things didn’t sit right with me because before I could even think about doing those things, there was a whole list of other things that felt a hundred miles away from me.
Level 1: Personal Space
I’ve realized that being a young single mom and a career workaholic meant I never really had much personal space. In fact, I coslept with my son almost right up until I had a husband, and with a toddler of 3.5, I am right back to that place of cosleeping. If I’m not sharing physical space with them, I’m caring for them. So personal space is number one for me. Personal space means the most basic of self-care, quiet, and nothing to take responsibility for outside of myself. It’s a good place to start for me. This isn’t for everyone depending on where they’re at or what they’re going through. That’s why it’s important to trust your own process and learn as you experience it.
Level 2: Physical Touch / Quiet Company
Once I’ve had enough time to rake the bottom of my heart’s ocean and gather my thoughts. Cry in privacy, feel the depth of my feelings. At this point, I’m not as sensitive or bothered by having company.
In my recent episode, my husband came first to check on me, give me hugs bring me some food for when I was ready. After I had sufficient time alone, the kids came up. The 3-year-old with that smile of hers once she locks eyes on me, “Mami!” and the voice of a man, “It’s mama!”, coming out of what was my widdle guy. Now he’s taller and stronger than his mama. The same mama that was splayed out and feeling useless in bed.
They were a sight for sore, tired eyes. A part of me wanted to tell them to go, but that was the self-saboteur in me. Thank God for self-awareness, and thank God I didn’t have the strength to say no. Once they piled on, though, cuddles were all I wanted. So they crawled into bed with me, and we all started watching videos about food together. Quietly. It was exactly what I needed and what I was ready for.
Level 3: Food / Water
Once I’ve leveled out the oxygen to my brain, exhausted my exhaustion, and gotten the gentle oxytocin and dopamine release from some cuddles, I’m ready to snack on something.
Sidenote: the good thing about kids (I mean, there are plenty but one of them) is that evolutionarily speaking, caretakers can become attached to the kids in their care. The same how we become attached to someone we’re in a relationship with even when we’re ready to break up with them. We are worried about the withdrawals, which, as we all know, can be wicked. Well, it’s the same with kids, times 100. So when they show you love, it’s all the emotional and biological feels.
Level 4: Talk / Sharing
With snacks, I have energy. With energy, my brain clarity is a little more latched. And with that kind of clarity, I can find meaningful words. At this point, I’m not necessarily eager to open up, but I know I’m able to. Also, thankfully I have the personality that eventually needs to talk. I don’t hold things in or back for too long. I always need an outlet. Thankfully I have an easy go-to, a partner I can open up to even when I’m unsure of myself and feeling insecure.
And then what…
This is the point at which I normally experience some sort of breakthrough. I find something by listening to myself and fielding gentle questions. The magic of a sounding board. No matter how much we downplay the power of talk, its potential isn’t fully realized until you actually put yourself out there and talk. For this reason, this is easily one of the greatest pieces of advice I can give, get yourself a soundboard. Even if it’s through toll-free numbers, even if you just need someone to talk to, that’s why these organizations exist.
The reality though is that the number one thing I’ve learned through my cycles is that I am who I am. I used to feel all sorts of ways and punished myself through self-medicating and masking. Once I accepted the flow and it wasn’t about being “cured” or “fixed,” I was able to become more open to learning how to manage it and keep myself open to the process. Even when, every now and then, I revisit that no-good place. Even when it gets that bad, I’ve learned to access and reflect on the tools I’ve gathered for myself over the years.
Everyone’s experiences are different and they are all valid. All your experiences and feelings are valid. Just because you may convince yourself what you’re going through is nothing, know that nothing you experience is nothing. Honor yourself and the unique brilliance of who you are, because ignoring the self-discovery journey is no way to live.