I’ll give you a million dollars if you have a day that goes exactly as you planned. But that’s life, right? The unwavering ability to be completely unknowable despite our delusions of control and foresight. We can have good intuition, cope differently with change and the unknowable universe, but the truth still stands: with over 30,000 decisions made each day, it’s impossible to get them all correct.
The Start of a New Chapter in Oakland
About 13 years ago, I was a new resident of Oakland, California, with my 3-year-old son. This was only the second stop in a series of many moves to one day achieve stability. I like to think I handled my circumstances well, but when I really let the memories in, it’s incredibly hard to put into words what I put my son through.
I still can’t believe he was so young, and I still can’t believe how far removed we are from those days. When we moved to Oakland, it was winter. Unfortunately, it took the movers four weeks to get our belongings from Chicago.
Surviving the Oakland Cold
Maybe there’s no proper Midwest winter in Oakland, but it’s cold and rainy. Lo and behold, some residences don’t even have proper windows—they’re set up like glass blinds. Good luck getting heat (from a radiator positioned directly under the window) to stay inside.
It wasn’t as bad as Chicago, or Boston before that, or North Dakota before that. But it still sucked. To get by, I borrowed money from my brother to buy an inflatable futon and some kitchenware to cook and eat with.
Finding Control in Chaos
Six months later, I found myself feeling really in control of my life. I worked in San Francisco and commuted back and forth to Oakland. My son went to daycare there too. I was at the office almost every day. Despite how busy I was, I found time to date.
How? Thank God I was a single mom during the golden era of the dating app. I didn’t have to lie about being a single mom, and there were no surprises. Easy peasy lemon squeegee.
A Relationship That Changed Everything
Lo and behold, I found someone. I like to think my standards were high, but when I look back, I was really just looking for good, honest people. Turns out, I wasn’t prepared for the level of chaos coming my way—or maybe I was. When you know yourself well, you’re always ready to hit the emergency release button.
Two months before things got real, my boyfriend told me it was important for us to move in together. Any concerns I had about things moving too fast and giving him more time were met with complete conviction. He insisted that if I wasn’t ready to move forward, he couldn’t continue the relationship. He painted a picture of his dream: having a family and being a young dad. I believed him. I believed I was in a fairy tale of epic proportions.
The Breaking Point
Something inside me didn’t fully believe it. Especially as the last week rolled around and, in the final three days, he started ghosting me while I tried to confirm a time for him to pick us up. The writing was on the wall. “I can’t do it. I’m sorry.”
If you take enough risks in life—and I definitely advise you to take risks—you’ll find moments that reveal your real and honest character. You’ll learn what your values actually are—not what you tell yourself or others.
When he told me he’d made a mistake and couldn’t go through with it, I simply cut him off. I told him I needed to figure out my next steps because not only did I have a family moving into my apartment in three days, but I also had to figure out how to get to my new job in San Jose while still living in Oakland.
Values in the Fire
It’s in these moments—when you’re pushed so far up against the wall that you can feel the brick snagging your hair—that you truly find yourself. In the heat of uncertainty and unfamiliarity, you create your world, your life, and your destiny. Even then, you won’t be able to predict everything. The real question is: are you willing? Are you willing to take the risk of stepping into the unknown? You should be.
Unshakable Strength
I learned I am exactly as strong and smart as I’d like to think I am. In a true crisis, I am ON. I proved to myself that, despite my flaws, I am a mother who doesn’t give up. Not just a person or a woman who doesn’t give up—a mother who doesn’t give up. I showed myself I have self-respect, and I had no problem dropping this boyfriend on a dime without a single hint of remorse.
The Weekend That Changed Everything
In fact, it was incredibly invigorating. I negotiated with the family I sublet to, arranging for my son and me to stay in the living room while they took the bedroom (we were barely home anyway). I also bought my first car that weekend so I could make it to my new job. The commute was going to be brutal, but I was determined not to lose.
That weekend, I learned completely and unapologetically: I am a survivor. Period.
From Chaos to Blessings
That period of my life was filled with constant uncertainty. While some things got worse, others got a whole lot better. If it weren’t for that boyfriend, I wouldn’t have put myself out there and found my first role in the video game industry, formally beginning my career as a producer and project manager. That job led to bigger and better roles, with bigger and better companies, projects, and teams.
If it weren’t for that experience, I wouldn’t have moved to LA or met my now-husband, who also worked in the industry. We wouldn’t be saying every single day, “We’re so blessed.” But we are. We are, and we did.
Trusting the Unknown
In fact I’m blessed for the amount of chaos I’ve had in my life. When you’ve seen so much happen to you and others around you the level of appreciation for what you have and any opportunity that comes your way becomes the definition of beauty. So by virtue of being able to see that chaos creates beauty and be it that beauty is invaluable – every day is worth more than a million bucks. And so while my difficult experiences didn’t (and won’t) end there, they taught me to trust myself and to have faith that, even in the heat of hell’s fire, I will find a way.
And so will you.